I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
