It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
