this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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