fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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