I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
