youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
