Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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