I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
