I didn't shave. On purpose
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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