cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
