Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
