Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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