Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cat food counts as protein by the way
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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