So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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