apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
