so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
