last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
