Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
it's like heaven, but drunker
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
