Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
