Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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