Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
