i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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