i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
