Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
