If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
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BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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