420 ftw
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
