i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
