I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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