Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just gargled with NyQuil
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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