Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I am available for nakedness
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
