Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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