it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
