Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
