and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
