do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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