apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
