he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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