you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
