Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
