how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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