They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
time to smoke my breakfast
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
