I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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