First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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