Just mADE A PArabola og urine
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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