Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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