Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
