Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I need to sanitize my soul.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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