Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
