One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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