Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
