So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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