you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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