My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
