Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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