lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
